day one | one word

prompt: one word
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

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I started 2010 with the word FOCUS in an effort to guide the next 12 months in a positive manner I could direct and design for myself and for my kids. I am happy and surprised to say that is exactly what happened. Not only did events and happenings bring my life into focus, I spent most of my year focusing on those bits that need to be altered in order for me to live an honest, meaningful and authentic existence.

You cannot teach character, honesty or responsibility to those who don’t want to grow up. Some of the things that happened this year were scary as hell and I shudder to think they will ever be repeated. Those moments, though brief, were emotionally exhausting and spirit crushing. I realized I couldn’t fight anymore. It was time to give myself up to whatever the universe wanted to throw at me and focus on the positive.

There was a critical moment, sometime at the end of June, at which my life took a turn. A sharp, jarring turn. I experienced a set of circumstances that never should have occurred but they continue to reverberate through my person. Every day.

It was at that midway point that I decided to take ownership of my own life. I’m not 100% there yet, there are a couple of big decisions that have to be made and fear to be addressed in order to move forward, but much of the foundation, particularly of spirit, has been laid.

Out of the ashes that was once my ego and my faith, I decided to embrace my vulnerability and just go for what I wanted. I risked rejection, humiliation and criticism with a plan in place. After all, I reasoned, I was rejected, humiliated and criticized with no plan, at least this way I would be taking control of my future and set out to take a positive and productive path.

I was taking back the power I had forfeited to those who would not cheer for me anyway, no matter what I did or did not do. Like I tell my kids, you can only control your responses to the actions of others. You cannot change their actions. It was time for me to take my own advice.

Never in my wildest imaginings would I have expected at this time last year to be where I am – in mind and spirit – this year, right now. So much has changed, and still so much has, much to my frustration and fear, stayed exactly the same. But not me, my heart has changed. My perspective is totally different.

The word that guides my life, a testimony to my resilience, is ONWARD. Each year, I take the lessons of the previous 12 months and apply them to the next 12 months with hope and conscious effort to not repeat any of the same mistakes. In some ways I’m still stuck in the black place I have been for the last decade and more and in other ways I’ve managed to make positive, creative and responsible strides in my effort to live a mindful life of authenticity and kindness.

The lights of my life are my children. I am blessed for their constant trust, belief and support. They make me laugh and make me cry. They are my reason for being. They give me a reason to be truthful and courageous every day. I take my job as their role model very seriously, sometimes too seriously, but I often focus on their reaction when given a choice between A. and B. It is because of them, more often than not, I choose the honest, generous and inclusive option. They are why I am always moving onward. They are the focus and result of every positive thing in my life.

Last December, I chose the word FOCUS to guide me through 2010 and I had to mull this piece for a bit as there were so many other words that would have been equally appropriate: mercurial, own, choice, resilience, risk, fear, surrender, panic, open, courage, learn … so many. I’m glad I was able to think it through and realize that my guiding word of 2010 was the word that got me through. 

As for next year? All of this focus has to result in something, right? I’m still formulating the framework for 2011. It’s going to be great! The words have been narrowed down, but I think, right now, the word is DO.